When my insomnia got so bad that I could barely function my friends and neighbors repeatedly asked if they could help me. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't let them. I thought perhaps it was just pride. Tonight I figured it out. Life has taught me that people rarely want to help you and when they do they fail to mention the catch. When I've been stupid enough to accept help there is always someone in my life telling me have to accept the abuse that came with the help and be grateful. My grandmother's voice is still in my head reminding me how worthless I am. When my relative invited us to stay with them they failed to mention it included my becoming a live-in nanny. Someone outside the situation suggested I now owe the people I'm staying with and should be taking care of all the housekeeping and meals. Turns out I've been accepting servitude when I thought I was being offered an entirely different deal. Accepting help is like making a deal with the devil and the demons in my life call themselves family. No wonder I'm so bitter and untrusting.

Loving Grandparents

Little Man is telling me he wants to see Mima, Papa, Grandpa, and Grandma. I love that my children have such strong relationships with their grandparents. As a child I thought family was suppose to automatically love you. It was very confusing and upsetting when life didn't work that way. Negative or nonexistent relationships with some of my relatives have made me more appreciative of the loving relationships my children and I have. I know I can rely on my parents and my husband's parents to love each member of my family wholeheartedly. They make Little Man and Little Miss feel so special and loved. My great - grandma and great - grandpa made me feel that way. I have never doubted their love for me. I'm so glad my kids have that kind of relationship with their grandparents.

Feeling Good

It's another rainy day. My husband is learning to play one of our favorite songs on his acoustic guitar. I've been reading a good book on my phone. I just got off the phone with my mom and still have the sound of her laughter in my ears. My children are playing together. My life is so amazing right now. Even when I can't feel how lucky I am, I still know it, but feeling it is spectacular! Today I feel it so strongly. I am a very blessed woman.

Winning

Today my illness wants to eat me. It tried to tie me to the bed and told me no one loves me. It told me to grow my nails back out because scratching welts into my body feels so damn good. Anxiety is rippling just below my skin and making me itch.
But here is where things get awesome. I am winning! I got out of bed. I took a shower. I put on jeans and I'm wearing a bra. Today I am the boss God damn it! I've got this handled and I am happy.

My friend's mother posted a thought provoking video today. 3 generations of several families were asked when they did/do for fun as a kid. The grandparents and parents replied with answers like fishing, gardening, building forts, and sledding. The kids said videos games, texting, emailing, and Netflix. They stated that they couldn't live without these things and spent hours a day "getting lost" and isolating themselves from their family. I asked Little Miss what she does for fun. She replied with video games with Daddy, Infinity with her brother, and watching the movie we rented last night. She then ran off to play "surprise" with her little brother. (She's taken a liking to jumping out and startling people.) I love her answers. She thrives on time spent with the people she loves. There are a lot of other things she loves to do and most of them involve interacting with others. Maybe I'll worry about her isolating herself one day, but not anytime soon.

One Example

Hello. My name is Hailey and I like to party, but I rarely make it to the party.  I panic about the drive, because there is a 99% chance that I'm going to have an anxiety attack as I drive. I start to panic just thinking about it and then I start to worry about what it could be like if I make it to the destination. (I have been known to panic on the way and claim some type of emergency. Plus there is that pesky possibility of a wreck.) What if I can't think of anything to say?  What if I make a fool of myself? What if everyone hates me?! Oh god they already hate me! They felt obligated to invite me and they'll resent me for showing up!  Why does everyone hate me?? Oh that's right! I'm simply a hateful person. I hate me too. Why won't I shut up and leave people alone?! Now I'm fighting the urge to self-harm, wishing for an off switch, and crying in my room while my kids beg me to come out.
Anxiety and depression suck. They hurt. They don't make sense. I want them to go away now, but they've buried themselves deep into who I am. They are a vicious cycle, but I'm among the lucky ones. I've developed some pretty handy coping techniques. When I convince myself to drive on the interstate I talk to my kids or myself. I plan every tiny detail of the drive. Still, I'm not infallible and sometimes the fear and sadness is too much to handle alone. That's why I'm going to call the doctor... hopefully today. I've been putting it off for a long time. I'm scared, but I'm looking for hope. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Blanket Statements Don't Work

"Being a stay-at-home-parent is the HARDEST job in the world." "Being a parent is the most rewarding thing you will ever do." "Your marriage will end in divorce." Um not necessarily. I'll use 2 couples that I know as examples. Lets change the names... We'll go with Marissa and Jake, and Josie and Daniel.

Marissa was practically "born to be a mother" as they say. She's always been a nurturer. She is a stay-at-home-mom with 4 kids and 2 dogs. That is what fulfills her and makes her satisfied. She's open about the fact that it's what she wants and loves. It has really hard days like anything else, but overall, she wouldn't change it for anything. She gets to be there for their first word, step, and in depth idea of how the world works. She gets to share their triumphs and sorrows without having to wait until the end of her shift. Jake actually envies her a bit, but he loves what he does for a career. He takes a great deal of pride in the things he's able to provide for his family.

Josie is a very loving mother. She is a career driven woman with 4 kids. She tried being a stay-at-home parent, but she felt unfulfilled and smothered. She was miserable. It turned out her husband felt the same way at his job, so they switched. Daniel enjoyed hanging out with their kids and being the one to tend to their needs. Josie and Daniel are so much happier with her working and him home. It's true to them.

Obviously there are more options than these two, but it goes to show how DIVERSE we all are. My husband and I have worked at the same time, worked opposite shifts, and have taken turns being a stay-at-home parent. We do what fits best for our family at any given time. 10 people can listen to the same story and each learn something different. It's called individuality and we should stop trying to bury it or stamp it out.